Insecure in Love
How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
By Leslie Becker-Phelps
Concepts
- Anxious Attachment
- An attachment style characterized by hyperactivating strategies—seeking excessive reassurance, monitoring a partner's availability, and catastrophizing signs of distance—rooted in inconsistent early caregiving.
- Compassionate Self-Awareness
- Becker-Phelps's pairing of honest self-observation with self-kindness, positioned as the core antidote to the shame and anxiety that fuel insecure attachment patterns.
- Pursue-Withdraw Trap
- The reinforcing cycle in which an anxiously attached partner pursues closeness with increasing urgency, driving a more avoidant partner further away, which triggers even more pursuit.
- Earned Security
- The capacity to develop a secure attachment style in adulthood through new relational experiences and inner work, even when early caregiving did not provide a secure foundation.
- Hyperactivating Strategies
- The anxious attachment behaviors—clinging, reassurance-seeking, emotional amplification—that attempt to draw a partner closer but typically produce the opposite effect.
Chapters
- Acknowledgements
- Introduction
- Part 1. The Bedrock of All Relationships
- Chapter 1. Early Connections - A Foundation For Love
- The Basics of How You Connect
- Four Styles of Attachment
- Discovering Your Attachment Style
- Chapter 2. Understanding Why You Relate the Way You Do
- Proximity - Protection From Danger
- Safe Haven - The Need for Comfort
- Secure Base - Support for Exploring the World
- Balancing Autonomy and Closeness
- Managing Your Emotions
- Two Ways to Earn Security and Happy Relationships
- Part 2. Discover Your Potential - Being Worthy of Love
- Chapter 3. Opening the Door to Change
- Learning to See Yourself in a Positive Light
- Confirming the "You" You Know
- Confirming How You See Others
- Closed-Loop Relationships
- Pursuit-Withdrawl - A Common Relationship Problem
- Summary - Gaining Perspective
- Chapter 4. Overcoming Obstacles
- Self-Deception
- The Logic Stops Here
- How Pain Motivates Change
- The Need for New Experiences
- Part 3. Compassionate Self-Awareness - The Antidote to Relationship Anxiety
- Chapter 5. A Path to Deep, Lasting Security
- Self-Awareness
- Self-Compassion
- The Healing Power of Compassionate Self-Awareness
- Chapter 6. Developing Self-Awareness
- Facing Your Ambivalence
- Nurturing Awareness of Emotions
- Transforming Your Thought with Greater Awareness
- Mentalizing
- Final Thoughts on Self-Awreness
- Chapter 7. Creating Self-Compassion
- Common Humanity
- Mindfulness
- Self-Kindness
- Compassionate Self-Awareness in a Nutshell
- Part 4. Lighting Up Your Love Life
- Chapter 8. Finding Someone Who Will Accept You and Warm Your Heart
- Set a Goal for a Healthy Relationship
- What to Look for in a Partner
- Panning for Gold
- Spin a Supportive Web
- Chapter 9. Nurturing a Relationship You Feel Secure In
- Self-Disclosure
- Interdependence - Being One "Whole Half"
- Keeping Your Connection Going
- Accentuate the Positive
- It Takes Work to Tango
- Chapter 10. Working It Out
- Asking for Support
- Talking Through Conflicts
- The Gift of Forgiveness
- Moving On
- Closing Thoughts
- References
Rating
Topics
- Attachment Theory, Secure Attachment, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, Preoccupied Anxious, Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant, Autonomy, Confirmation Bias, Pursue-Withdraw, Self-Awareness, Mentalizing, Mindfulness, Self-Awareness, Self-Kindness, Self-Compassion, Common Humanity, Love-Kindness, Ambivalence, Emotional Availability, Safe Haven, Secure Base, Interdependence, Love Languages, Connection, Forgiveness, Letting Go, Attachment Figure, Working Model of Self, Working Model of Others, Four Styles of Attachment, Attachment-Related Anxiety, Attachment-Related Avoidance, High Avoidance, Low Avoidance, High Anxiety, Low Anxiety, Hyperactivating Strategies, Deactivating Strategies, Proximity, Safe Haven, Secure Base, Closeness, Managing Emotions, Earned Security, Confirmation Bias, Selective Attention, Selective Memory, Selective Interpretation, Closed-Loop Relationships, Pursue-Withdraw Trap, Gaining Perspective, Overcoming Obstacles, Self-Deception, Compassionate Self-Awareness, Mentalizing, Common Humanity, Reflective Stance, Self-Compassion, Self-Kindness, Mindfulness, Thought Bubble, Discomfirming Evidence, Breathing Midnfully, Embodiment, Loving-Kindness Meditation, Emotional Availability, Supportive Web, Self-Disclosure, Self-Reliant, Being Grateful, Gratitude List, Mindful Gratitude, Difficult Conversation, Gift of Forgiveness, Letting Go, Moving On
Published
- June 1, 2014
Publisher
- New Harbinger Publications