ACT with Love

Instead of a feeling, think of love as an action. The feeling of love comes and goes with the whim. You can't control it, but the action to love is something you can do regardless of how you are feeling.

In the grip of reactivity, we act impulsively, mindlessly, or automatically. It's as if we are driven along blindly by our emotions, blinkered by our own beliefs and judgments.

The more you learn to focus on what is in your control, the more empowerment fulfillment you will experience. In contrast, the more you focus on what is out of your control, the more you will feel disempowered, dissatisfied, and disappointed.

Trapped inside-your-mind, you easily forget that your partner is hurting too. You get hooked by anger, resentment, and self righteousness, and wrapped up in thoughts like these. It's all too hard. It shouldn't be as difficult. Why won't you get off my case? You become so focused on what is wrong with your partner, or so upset about the way he has treated you, you forget that he is a human being with feelings. You forget that he entered into this relationship for the same reasons as you; to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to enhance and enrich his life by sharing it with another. Neither of you entered into this relationship because you wanted to fight and quarrel and bicker and blame and judge and hurt and reject. So if you're hurting, it's guaranteed that your partner is hurting too.

When you truly recognize that you both are hurting, you will find it easier to tune into caring and compassion, both of which are essential ingredients for restoring vitality and love to your relationship.

Caring, connection, and contribution are the building blocks of love, warmth, and intimacy, so if there's a significant lack of valuing these areas, your relationship is likely to wither rather than flourish.

The vast majority of stories our mind tells us are not "facts"; most of them are opinions, judgments, beliefs, attitudes, ideas, assumptions, values, goals, expectations, wishes, fantasies, desires, attitudes, and so on.

Letting go is a vital skill to develop; you will not be able to effectively discuss important issues, negotiate solutions, or reconcile your differences while you're in the grips of unhelpful stories.

One of the greatest compliments you can pay another human being is to give them your full attention. When you make someone the center of your attention, they feel important, cared about. They know they matter to you. The reverse is also true.

The more you notice the many ways your partner contributes to your life, the more satisfied you will feel in your relationship. The more your partner feels appreciated, the more he is likely to turn to you with warmth and kindness.

Validation is an important act of caring. It doesn't mean you agree with your partner; it doesn't mean you like or approve of the way he thinks and feels; it just means you accept him and allow him to be who he is.

Every problem in life brings an opportunity to learn and grow, to develop personal strengths such as mindfulness, acceptance, letting go of persistence and patience.

With practice, you become much better at living by your values as well as dispersing your smog, engaging with your partner, fighting fairly, making repair attempts, practicing forgiveness and compassion, asking nicely, expressing appreciation, and accepting your differences. The more you practice, the better the outlook for your future.