Bring Yourself to Love

How Couples Can Turn Disconnection Into Intimacy
By Mona Barbera

Mona Barbera applies the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model to couples work, showing how each partner's protective and reactive "parts" create predictable cycles of disconnection and conflict. Case examples and exercises help couples understand their own internal landscape, take ownership of their reactions rather than blaming the other person, and bring more of their genuine self into the relationship. A closing section addresses the use of the IFS couples approach in clinical therapy settings.

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Concepts
  • Internal Family Systems (IFS)
    A model that views the mind as made up of distinct "parts," each with its own perspective and role, used here to understand what drives reactive behavior in couples.
  • Parts
    The distinct inner voices or sub-personalities (managers, firefighters, exiles) that shape emotional reactions, especially under relational stress.
  • Firefighters
    Impulsive, protective parts that activate in response to emotional pain, often driving behaviors that create conflict or distance in relationships.
  • If It's Intense, It's Your Own
    When a reaction feels disproportionately strong, it's usually driven by your own parts, not simply by what your partner did.
  • Bringing Self to Relationship
    The process of showing up from your core Self — calm, curious, connected — rather than from a reactive or protective part.
Chapters
  • List of Exercises
  • Foreword
  • Preface
  • Acknowledgments
  • Chapter 1. Turn It Upside Down
  • Chapter 2. I Get Scared When You Take Your Eyes Off the Road
  • Chapter 3. Firefighters - The Second Wave of Protection
  • Chapter 4. If It's Intense, It's Your Own
  • Chapter 5. You and Your Parts in Relationship
  • Chapter 6. Giving Better Back
  • Chapter 7. Keep Choice Alive
  • Chapter 8. Different Parts Choose Different Partners
  • Chapter 9. Caution - Firefighters at Work
  • Chapter 10. Feedback - The Other Side of the Coin
  • Chapter 11. Three Things That Work in a Fight
  • Chapter 12. Take the 30 Day Challenge
  • Chapter 13. What to Expect in IFS Couples Therapy
  • Chapter 14. For IFS Therapists
  • Coda
  • Appendix A. Self Qualities
  • Appendix B. Outline of the IFS Couples Process
  • References
  • Index
  • About the Author
  • About Internal Family Systems
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Publisher
  • DOS Monos Press
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